How to Make Friends

  Part One

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Part one of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie introduces the reader to three principles Carnegie believes should be used as “fundamental techniques in handling people.”

It is the belief of Dale Carnegie that criticism is ineffective. In summary, he stated that criticism evokes one’s self-preservation instinct to attempt to justify one’s actions and blame others rather than take responsibility for actions or behaviors that others find objectionable.  Mr. Carnegie explains that it is simply human nature to resist acceptance of blame for any wrong doing because we are “creatures of emotions...motivated by pride and vanity.”  Consequently, as Carnegie points out with example after example, criticism results in feelings of diminished pride and self worth, as well as resentment toward the person providing it.  Criticism also solicits a basic need to explain why we do what we do rather than take responsibility for our actions.  Carnegie’s recommends that the potential criticizer ask about the behavior in question, assess how the individual feels about the situation causing their behavior, and following up with an explanation about how and why a different choice would be more desirable, hence avoiding resentment and a deflated self-esteem.  He cites that this strategy will result in a higher chance of compliance and a corrected outcome without jeopardizing one’s relationship with the individual in question.  We all need to remember “ Don't criticize, condemn or complain. “

Carnegie also believes that “people are driven by their desire to feel important.”  Testimonies from several successful businessmen, including John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, and Charles Schwab, cited that they attributed their success to their ability to motivate employees by using “honest and sincere praise as often as possible”  rather than criticism.  Each focused on “nurturing self-esteems” by finding “something positive for which they could praise a person and believed in showing sincere appreciation.”  

Lastly, Mr. Carnegie’s third principle for handling people involved finding a way to get to have the desire to do what you want them to do.   He suggests that “the only way... to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”  Identify the individual’s point of view about a particular topic, situation, or potential problem and use that knowledge to help them while they do what you wanted or needed them to do for you. In essence, one should make suggestions that will give the person whose help you need what they need AND what you need in order to get them to do what you want them to do.

It is so easy to criticize, condemn, or complain.  What we need to remember is that we are not perfect and how we want to be treated, then treat others that way.  If we would just stop and think about how whatever we are about to say would affect us, we would reconsider and find a gentler, kinder way to express our discontent.  I agree, it never accomplishes anything when we criticize, condemn, or complain. By doing these three things we cause hostility, which only makes the situation even more unbearable.

In a Nutshell Fundamental Techniques In Handling People

• Principle 1 Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

• Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.

• Principle 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.

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1 "If You Want To Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over The Beehive"  pp. 21 - 32

• Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

It is the belief of Dale Carnegie that criticism is ineffective. In summary, he stated that criticism evokes one’s self-preservation instinct to attempt to justify one’s actions and blame others rather than take responsibility for actions or behaviors that others find objectionable.  Mr. Carnegie explains that it is simply human nature to resist acceptance of blame for any wrong doing because we are “creatures of emotions...motivated by pride and vanity.”  Consequently, as Carnegie points out with example after example, criticism results in feelings of diminished pride and self worth, as well as resentment toward the person providing it, in addition to an attempt to explain why we do what we do.  Carnegie’s recommends that the inquirer ask about the behavior in question, assess how the individual feels about the situation causing their behavior, following up with an explanation about how and why a different choice would be more desirable, hence avoiding resentment and a deflated self-esteem.  He cites that this strategy will result in a higher chance of compliance and a corrected outcome without jeopardizing one’s relationship with the individual in question.  We all need to remember “ Don't criticize, condemn or complain. “

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2 - The Big Secret Of Dealing With People pp. 32 - 42

• Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.

People are driven by their desire to feel important.  John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, and Charles Schwab believe that their success in business was because they never criticized anyone, instead always found something positive for which they could praise a person and believed in showing sincere appreciation.  This motivated their employees.  Schwab declared, "I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism."  We need to focus on nurturing self-esteems as readily as we attend to the nourishment of our children’s bodies by providing honest and sincere praise and appreciation as often as possible.

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3 - "He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World With Him. He Who Cannot Walks A Lonely Way" pp. 42 - 55

• Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want.

To get someone to do something you want them to do, "First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."  You must be able to find a way to convince a person that he/she wants to do whatever it is that you want them to do...

 

 Part Two Ways To Make People Like You

Part two of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie provides the reader six principles Carnegie believes should be used as “ways to make people like you.”  They include being sincere with your smile and show genuine interest in others by learning their name and making them feel important by listening and talking to them about their interests.

Carnegie used “man’s best friends,” dogs, as his initial ‘case in point’ for making people like you.  Dogs instinctively approach humans with regard and enthusiasm.  They attract attention by being the initiator of attention and that draws people to them.  

It was presented in this section that “all of us like people who admire us,” and that it is “human nature” to crave appreciation. Consequently, to make friends we must be willing to do things for other people, including finding something sincerely admirable about each individual and making the effort to be genuinely interested in others and their interests.  We should not be concerned about getting them interested in us; that will come later once a relationship has been established.  Having a sincere smile sends the message that you are honestly happy that you have the opportunity to be with and learn about this person you want to befriend.   

Lastly, in order to “make people like you” treat them the way that you want to be treated -- otherwise known as the “Golden Rule.”

I have always been ’the worst with names!’  The principle that explained the importance of remembering one’s name made perfect sense.  I guess I just ‘blew off’ this principle because my name has been butchered so often since it is not a common one.  After reading and reflecting, I have made a much more concerted effort to find ways to help me remember names.  I thought about how nice it feels when someone who I just met remembers and calls me by my name.  It is a feeling that helps me relax and feel more comfortable; in a sense, more important.  So far, writing names down or entering them into my phone contacts have been the most effective.  I hope that over time I will figure out other ways to memorize names of those I meet.  I have also been more aware of my smile and being more interested in other people’s interests.  I tend to get so wrapped up in what I am doing that there have been people who thought I was unfriendly or aloof, only to discover that is not the case once they get to know me.  I have forced myself to be more observant of others and to listen so that I know what they are interested in so I can ask questions about those topics.

In a Nutshell - Six Ways To Make People Like You

• Principle 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people.

• Principle 2 - Smile.

• Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

• Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

• Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

• Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

 

                              Part Three

How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking

Part three of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie introduces the reader to twelve principles Carnegie believes should be used  “to win people to your way of thinking.”

According to Dale Carnegie, it is best to avoid arguments.  All too often human nature is to react defensively during negative situations.  Mr. Carnegie reminds us that rather than giving in to our natural impulse to react defensively, we should practice being a better, calm listener who demonstrates total respect for the person with whom you disagree.  Reacting in a gentle, friendly manner will make it much easier to find ways to reduce or even eliminate barriers between yourself and someone with whom you disagree. It is important to look for things on which the two of you can agree while allowing the ‘opponent’ to explain their point of view.  Be willing to admit emphatically and apologize profusely for any mistakes made you may have made and thanking the opponent sincerely for his/her interest in the matter demonstrates respect. Trying to justify your perspective or defend your actions typically does not resolve misunderstandings, so it is simply best to do whatever you can to diffuse negativity as immediately as possible.

In this section, Carnegie suggests strategies that would keep a potential opponent feeling as positive as possible.  He recommended that you find “the things on which you agree,” ask “questions with which [your] opponent would have to agree” using ‘yes’ for each response,” and “ encourage them to express their ideas fully.” He emphasizes that it is important to respond with sympathy for another person’s point of view and help them see other points of view.  

The last two principles that Carnegie believes help “win people to your way of thinking” involves being as dramatic as possible about what you want because you are more likely to engage the ‘opponent’s  attention and interest in your thinking about the situation.  Lastly, he points out and explains how most individuals are motivated by a challenge so you can often get them to do what you want by offering one.

I would have loved to have known about these strategies one can use to “win people to your way of thinking” while growing up.  Instead of being thought of as “bossy” I would have had more friends in elementary and middle school if I had used these suggested strategies.  Doing what it takes to stay out of an argument and knowing about strategies that help avoid one is essential in all relationships I can think of.  I can see how beneficial keeping these in mind will help keep the peace in my family and in a competitive job.

People in my family are very open with their opinions, consequently there have been times when Sunday lunch gets a bit tense.  After reading this section, I recognize that my older sister and her husband practice these strategies, because they are the only two that I have never been pulled into any heated debate.  The rest of us, on the other hand, need more practice refraining from saying, “You’re wrong.” and talking too much.  As a matter of fact, there are times most everyone is competing to have their say, that everyone actually gets drowned out.  The upside is that we all know that we love one another, but an outsider can be overwhelmed.  It took my sister-in-law a little bit of time to learn to tune all of the chaos out.  

In A Nutshell - Win People To Your Way Of Thinking

• Principle 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• Principle 2 Show respect for the  other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."

• Principle 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

• Principle 4 Begin in a friendly way.

• Principle 5 Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

• Principle 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

• Principle 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

• Principle 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

• Principle 9 Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

• Principle 10 Appeal to the nobler motives.

• Principle 11 Dramatize your ideas.

• Principle 12 Throw down a challenge.

Part Four

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Part four of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie presents nine principles he believes should be used by leaders “to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment.”  The principles include finding ways to “make a person happy about doing the thing you suggest” by using honest praise, appreciation, and encouragement for their efforts.  Conversely, when mistakes are made by others, call attention to them indirectly by asking questions so that the person can “save face” and preserve their “reputation” and self-esteem.  Rather than criticize, give suggestions that help make the person feel that corrections can be made somewhat effortlessly.  These are strategies leaders should used to “change [individual’s] attitudes and behaviors” when necessary.

To “make a person happy to do the thing you” want them to do requires skill.  Everyone wants to feel important and valued.  Making someone feel so, very often convinces a person to cooperate with your wishes.  Carnegie provided examples of effective leaders who possessed masterful skills in this area.  When used, they experienced great successes, but when ignored, their careers suffered.  Woodrow Wilson and Napoleon were two said historic individuals.  

Providing honest praise and appreciation about some aspect of a person before addressing a concern, helps make the criticism less hurtful and more sincere as long as the complement is followed by an “and” rather than a “but.”  Letting others know that you are aware of their mistake(s) without being specific is met with appreciation by most employees because it allows them to avoid embarrassment, resentment, and they can “save face.”  Most offenders will view the ‘boss’ with more respect and will be less likely to repeat the offense in the future.  When a person in an authoritative position admits to their mistakes, he conveys empathy and makes it easier on the person whose mistakes are being addressed.  Using questioning techniques that imply “orders” are more readily followed by employees.  By avoiding criticism and providing sincere acknowledgement of their skills, encouragement and empathy, an employer will assist in developing his employees’ abilities.

I tend to want to take a no nonsense approach to accomplishing a task when I am a leader of a group project.  I can see how the principles in this sections would make group projects much more enjoyable for everyone.  

In A Nutshell Be A Leader

A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:

• Principle 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

• Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

• Principle 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

• Principle 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

• Principle 5 - Let the other person save face.

• Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

• Principle 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

• Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

• Principle 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

                                    Part 5

Letters That Produced Miraculous Results   pp.  180 - 186

Part five of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie provides “letters that produced miraculous results.”

Ken Dykes, “one of the best-known sales promotion men in America,” wrote letters to distributors across the nation seeking information.  Unfortunately, he received responses from only about 5% of the letters sent.  By applying the principles in this book after attending one of Mr. Carnegie’s courses, ‘Effective Speaking and Human Relations,’ Mr. Dykes’ received a 42 ½ % response rate to his newly structured letter.  This meant that his new letters seeking information were  “from 500 to 800 percent”  more effective than those he constructed and sent prior to his training.

The ‘formula’ Ken Dykes attributes to these ‘miraculous results’ included asking his intended reader to him a favor which made the reader feel important.  He follows with a claim that he had made a suggestion to his company what he felt would increase sales and the company should pay for the suggested change.  He tells the reader that the president of the company has asked him about his report, but the reader is who he must turn to for help.  He is depending on him.  This feels the reader with a strong sense of importance.  He immediately outlines what he needs from the reader and describes how much he will appreciate this man for his kindness.

Each letter follows the same basic format or formula and the results are incredible.  Everyone wants to feel important and needed.  Everyone wants to be appreciated.  These letters take advantage of these basic needs and the result is getting others to do what you need them to do while making them feel good about doing it.

I have certainly needed these skills this first semester in college.  I had no idea that I would have to participate in so many group projects.  It has been a true eye opener; some college students can be less dependable than high school students and my parents say that I will encounter similar situations in the workplace.  I have found myself in a position where I could not seem to get some of my group members to do and submit their assigned part of our project.  On the first project in both of my two classes requiring them, I found myself doing most of the entire project by myself.  So then on the second project in each class, after reading a bit of this book, I found myself thinking about some of the principles suggested.  I made more of an effort to convey how much I was depending on my group members’ strengths to help me pull the end product together and let them know that I felt more confident when I knew I could rely on them.  Amazingly, the I received more input from more members of the group on the second project.  I have three more group projects this semester and I will certainly be referencing the suggestions made in the book.  

 

 Part 6

Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier

Part six of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie suggests the application of two previously presented principles and rules one should use  “for making your home life happier.”   For instance,  rules 3 and 4 in this section, “don’t criticize” and “give honest appreciation,” are applicable just as important in a marriage as with anyone with whom one meets and should be respected with the same vigor .  “Dorothy Dix, America's premier authority on the causes of marital unhappiness, declares that … criticism—futile, heartbreaking criticism” --- is the cause of most marital breakups.  Expressing appreciation is merely a show of respect for which everyone covets.

The first rule of this section described how nagging could “Dig Your Marital Grave In The Quickest Possible Way” no matter what one’s ingratiating and endearing qualities might be.  Nagging can destroy all that one cherished most.  “Bessie Hamburger, who has spent eleven years in the Domestic Relations Court in New York City, and has reviewed thousands of cases of desertion, says that one of the chief reasons men leave home is because their wives nag.”  The Boston Post once printed "Many a wife has made her own marital grave with a series of little digs."  

The second rule of cautions the reader about trying “to make [their] partner over.”  Instead, it explained that truly happy couples always believe in one another, never criticize, are loyal to a fault, admire and praise one another, and allow one another to be who they are.   “Henry James put it: ‘The first thing to learn in intercourse with others is noninterference with their own peculiar ways of being happy…’”

Rule five, “pay little attentions,”  points out that “the meaning of little attentions is this: it shows the person you love that you are thinking of her, that you want to please her, and that her happiness and welfare are very dear, and very near, to your heart.”  If people will make the effort to do simple deeds that convey thoughtfulness and appreciation, most failed relations would not have ended.

Being courteous, rule 6, should never be neglected if one wishes to remain happy in a relationship.  Mrs Damrosch, the daughter of James G. Blaine, a one-time candidate for President made this statement about courtesy, “If young wives would only be as courteous to their husbands as to strangers!” She believed that those who do not ascribe to this, will eventually lose their husband. Carnegie stated, “Rudeness is the cancer that devours love. Everyone knows this, yet it's notorious that we are more polite to strangers than we are to our own relatives.”  It is essential to remember that we should be our best with our loved ones and not be so ready to expect them to forgive our indiscretions, insults, and injustices just because they are family.   Dorothy Dix was quoted in this section: "It is an amazing but true thing that practically the only people who ever say mean, insulting, wounding things to us are those of our own households" and  Mr. Carnegie followed up by saying, “Courtesy is just as important to marriage as oil is to your motor.”

I definitely want a home that promotes peace and harmony.  I will keep these Rules for a HAPPIER HOME LIFE in mind and should probably make a set of home rules that include these for display in each room of the house.

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1 - How To Dig Your Marital Grave In The Quickest Possible Way  pp.  186 - 190

In a Nutshell

Seven Rules For Making Your Home Life Happier

• Rule 1: Don't nag.

• Rule 2: Don't try to make your partner over.

• Rule 3: Don't criticize.

• Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.

• Rule 5: Pay little attentions.

• Rule 6: Be courteous.

• Rule 7: Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.